I wrote inside one of my first journals in 1999…
To walk with God, hand in hand,
looking to Him in everything I do.
To know His Word so well that I can recall it and apply it
to every situation we (me & God) face.
To feel His everlasting arms around me,
holding me when I need comfort
and kissing my forehead when I need peace.
To look into His eyes knowing He sees my hear
and feels my emotions without ever exchanging a word.
Lord Jesus, you are the love of my life.
Teach me about You.
Let me sit quietly at your feet and listen to your words,
drowning in your infinite wisdom and love.
I love You Jesus!
It was one of the first times I sat still and realized that Jesus just loved me and wanted to be with me. There was no man to find or career to chase. Just me and Jesus. And it was the first time I realized that He was ok with that. Ok with me.
Before then, I had built my faith on rules, on the “do’s” and “don’ts” of Christianity watching those around me to see what I was supposed to do next, feeling as though I lived on a balance beam, trying to walk the straight and narrow, clinging to the edges so I wouldn’t slip and fall into darkness. I was suffocated by the act, the facade of being a good girl, hoping no one would see the things on the inside. The questions I had, the anger I felt, the guilt and shame I carried around. Finding safety in my legalism because it kept my empty heart protected with walls I couldn’t even climb.
I’ve since journeyed through marriage, kids, mortgages, careers, recessions, staying at home, going back to work, staying at home again…oftentimes distracted, startled wondering about my identity and if it shifts with titles and I squeeze my confidence into a different shaped box to be pleasing to others.
But God…in every season, He always draws me back to this one thing. No matter where I am or what season breezes are blowing, He just loves me and wants to be with me, His pursuit that never ceases, He never stops romancing me, calling me back to Him. And when the hurry hustles, I miss it and think I know better.
I never do.
It’s only in the quiet surrender of my heart to Him that I get to look into His eyes and know that He still sees my heart. It’s in the quiet surrender where I put my comfy pants on, snuggle into His presence and know that His everlasting arms are around me, holding me tightly. Comfort and strength never ceasing.